I was on a phone call that was becoming uncomfortably familiar. “This relationship is going nowhere,” said the man who’d just flown to NYC to spend the weekend with me. “I go to bed early. You go to bed late. It’s not going to work.”
“Maybe you’re just trying to articulate a feeling,” I suggested. “If you’re not feeling a connection, that’s fair. But for the record, I spent a year going to bed at 9 p.m. I liked it.”
He was adamant: bedtime incompatibility was the real reason. I hung up and let a few tears leak out — not over losing something precious, but from defeat. Why did this keep happening?
When you date as much as I do, you develop a sixth sense for rejection: slower responses, a shift in tone, a text asking if they can “give you a call.” It’s a routine I know by heart.
2024 started out particularly bruising. First, there was Furniture Assembly Guy, who helped me move on a first date, then vanished as if raptured by IKEA itself. Then, Daily Texter, who messaged me daily for three weeks while I was in Asia, only to ghost after four dates. Finally, Hotel Reservation Guy, who planned an overnight trip for our fourth date… and disappeared. I still occasionally Google his name alongside “obituary,” hoping he politely died rather than ghosted.
Friends and strangers had theories. Maybe I was too intimidating, too cold, slept with men too quickly, or had the wrong standards. None felt quite right. The truth is, only the men I dated and I had the full picture — and people aren’t known for brutal honesty when ending things.
So, armed with the knowledge I was about to collect a bunch of made-up, garbage data, I embarked on my next project: texting 13 men I’d dated over the past 18 months who had either ghosted me or explicitly ended things. I created a spreadsheet and started logging responses. Shockingly, 12 out of 13 men replied in full.
Here’s what I learned.
Vaping Was a Problem (4 men)
Four men explicitly cited vaping as a dealbreaker. One breakup message read: “I have thought on some things re: vaping as secondhand smoke, Burning Man, AI use, relative activity levels… we may not be a good long-term match.” Yes, “AI use” was listed. He also couldn’t eat cheese on pizza, so we were doomed anyway.
Messiness (2 men)
Two men cited my messiness. My parents warned me about this. Furniture Assembly Guy said: “Your house was in a bit of disarray… I think a person’s home says a lot about their internal state.”
Lack of Perceived Interest (2 men)
Two men said I didn’t seem interested enough. One wrote: “I typically look for charged passion from the other person, and didn’t feel like I was getting that ‘super interested in me’ energy.” Another: “It felt like you were more just bored and killing time.” They were correct. At least I’m… genuine?
Connection Issues (1 man)
The most thoughtful response came from an actor: “End of the day, it’s connection though… I told ya how I didn’t feel heard when I shared with you my ayahuasca trip… didn’t feel like we were on the same wavelength.” If you open up and don’t feel heard, they’re probably not Your Person.
Too Many… Drugs? (1 man)
Furniture Assembly Guy also said “too many drugs,” which baffled me. “Felt like there were a lot of drugs around. Nicotine, sleeping pills, Ozempic… and you did nearly an entire box of nitrous.” I’ve never had a prescription for sleeping pills. And Ozempic? That’s not recreational. It’s now one of my funniest anecdotes because… I don’t really do drugs? Not the ones that matter?
Not Polyamorous Enough (1 man)
One particularly baffling piece of feedback: I wasn’t polyamorous enough. He wanted “Kitchen Table Poly” but since I was open-minded about monogamy, I wasn’t eligible for either offer. “If this is that important to you,” I said, completely nonplussed, “you should put it in your Bumble profile.”
What Changed
After the survey, a few things shifted. I stopped vaping on dates — and then, completely unintentionally, quit altogether. My apartment got neater. I got a roommate, which forced me to keep shared spaces clean, and I stopped hosting men at my place.
I truly thought the exercise would just shift people towards new, spicy reasons to reject me. And men still did reject me, of course. But a far higher percentage stuck around for 5+ dates, whereas before that percentage was approaching zero.
Then, in May of 2025, I met Ben. On our first date, I told him about my survey. He vaped when we met, but he decided to quit as well. A little while later, I moved in. We have a maid come once a week to clean our messy apartment. We are happy together.
Lana Li is a writer and entrepreneur based in Brooklyn, NY. You can find her on Substack at Love Me Like a Robot.