Let’s Be Frank
Our advice column on love, sex, friendship, family, career and everything in between.
Jackie Frank is a publishing executive and Galconomist mentor, known for her direct, empathetic, no-nonsense approach to life’s harder questions.
Have a question for Jackie? Send it to letsbefrank@galconomist.com
Dear Jackie,
My husband and I travelled to Australia for the month of January and he’s put on a tonne of weight. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings?
Love, Jenny Craig
There’s no real way to do it — you could talk about new year, new health goals, but wonder if he will see straight through it? Be honest but do use healthy as the reason.
Dear Jackie,
Me and my husband have been trying to get pregnant for years and struggling, and I feel like everyone around me is getting pregnant easily. How do I be happy for them but also navigate my experience?
Love, Trying
Firstly you have to honor how you are feeling. Look at them through different prisms. Emotively discount your personal experience and want from their joy. The fact that you’ve asked means that you want to be happy for them, so acknowledge your feelings first — it’s just not your time — and know that you can hold both disappointment for yourself and still celebrate your friends. Your time will come, in one way or another.
Dear Jackie,
My wedding is coming up. We sent save-the-dates months ago, and now that we’re a few weeks out, a friend (more of an acquaintance) keeps pestering me for an invite. She’s texting things like “Where’s my invite??” and laughing about it, but it makes me so uncomfortable. I want to avoid awkwardness without being rude. How do I tell her to stop bugging me for an invite?
Love, List is CLOSED.
First of all you need to know that your friend is WAY out of line! She knows exactly what she is doing! Assuming the list is tight and restricted, a heart to heart conversation needs to happen with her explaining that the list was tight and unfortunately, even though you would like her to be there, you can’t and hope she doesn’t see this as a reflection of your friendship. Personally, I’d reconsider the friendship.
Dear Jackie,
I’ve been on a few dates with a man I really like, but I recently found out he’s been to rehab twice. I’m trying to understand whether this is something I should see as a red flag, or if I’m writing him off too quickly. I believe in growth, but I also want to be realistic about what I’m signing up for. How should I think about this early on?
Love, Rehab or Red Flag?
RUN, don’t walk! RED RED RED!!!!!
Dear Jackie,
I’ve had plenty of lovers, enough therapy to spot my own patterns in real time, and a life that doesn’t wait around for romance to validate it. I’m good at intimacy without illusion — sex that’s present, connected, and unburdened by expectations. And yet, I can’t tell if that ease is confidence or armor. When does emotional intelligence become emotional distance? Is choosing independence a sign of self-knowledge, or just a more sophisticated way of avoiding risk?
Sincerely, Lover (but not loved) girl
Never, as long as you don’t allow it to be! Why can’t you have a relationship and be independent? The best relationships are those when two people come together to be intimate and share things that are important to the two of them while keeping their independence. You don’t need to give up your independence to be in a relationship.
Dear Jackie,
My friend is going through a divorce and it’s really hard on her. Meanwhile, I just got into a new relationship and I’m so happy but I feel like I can’t talk to her about it — advice?
Love, Honeymoon Phase
I am sure your friend, if she’s a good one, would be mortified that you’re thinking this way. You could start by being honest with her and let her know how you’re feeling, give her the opportunity to let you know how she’s feeling. Also make sure that you tell her that you are there for her and will continue to support what she’s going through.
Dear Jackie,
My friend is dating a loser who she knows won’t be able to support her or be her equal in longer terms — how should I be there for her without just being like “BREAK UP WITH HIM!”
Love, Dump him pls
Well who are you to decide this? Not everyone needs or wants a man for financial support and you don’t really know what goes on between them. I would say NOTHING, not your place. She may be having the best sex of her life and that might be enough for her for now. Keep out of it and just be her friend.
Dear Jackie,
I love my partner but I feel like I carry the plans, our social schedule and talks about the future. When I bring it up, he says he’s “trying,” but nothing actually changes. How do I get him to make more initiative in the relationship?
— Want a Partner, Not a Project
Tell him! Some men just don’t get it, you need to spell it out!
Dear Jackie,
I recently read an essay by a sex worker arguing that most men cheat and that open relationships or polyamory are becoming the only realistic option for women who want partnership. In the comments, several women said it made them feel they should accept non-monogamy if they want love at all. How do you hold onto the idea of faithful, committed love without feeling out of touch with the culture?
Love, Call me old school
No, you need to find a new circle! You cannot do something that doesn’t feel right for you — it will not work. Hang in there and keep to your beliefs, the right person will show up.
